Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Justice Scalia Weighs In

In a surprise move today, Justice Antonin (Nino) Scalia announced his intention to shed his judicial robes in exchange for...a regally-appointed, conservatively-styled sweat suit. You read that correctly, counsel.

"That's right, I'm going on Biggest Loser!" announced the one-time Chicago professor and current Supreme Court Justice. "And they better watch out--I'm gonna take the ass out of Justice," deadpanned the oft-controversial, always hilarious Scalia.

"Ever since the results came in on sexiest SCOTUS Justice, I just haven't been the same ol' Scalia," explained the Jurisprude. "I simply can't get it up for my awesome Scalia dissents anymore. Scalia just doesn't feel the same rush for semicolons and Federalist ideals that Scalia used to."

Hatched as just another reality show in a glut of such exploitative programs at NBC studios in the mid 2000s, The Biggest Loser has steadily grown into its own success. "Kind of Like Scalia into his ego," noted an NBC executive, who preferred to remain anonymous, but joked that his name may or may not be Alec Baldwin. "We've been approaching many of the law's largest characters for the past few years now," explained the exec "but Clarence Thomas refused out of hand. Something about his hatred for...action? And Ken Starr...well, we just didn't feel right dredging that whole Lewinsky thing up again. You really need to draw lines in reality programming. But Scalia. That dude's been on our collective radar for years, especially since his escapades in his latest book. We're fairly certain that he and Ruth Bader Ginsburg are...um...engaging in some extracurricular legal analysis, if you know what I mean."

Well, even if the thought of that coupling makes your average attorney shudder, consider this writer intrigued. While conversing with his Majesty, I wondered aloud if the Founding Fathers could have ever anticipated this kind of behavior from a Supreme Court Apointee when they drafted the Constitution. Mr. Scalia responded rather matter-of-factly "There's ample room for Reality Television in an Originalist reading of the Due Process Clause." After snorting up half my Diet Coke, I asked whether that kind of interpretation implicated a Living Constitution--something Scalia has decried since his days at Harvard Law. The Justice just laughed.


"The new Scalia is the Living Constitution, be-yotch! Watch me shed it like Jefferson read it. Grammar."

Word to you, too, Mr. Scalia. Word.

-Bob Lawblah

1 comment:

ScaliaLovr said...

Ooooh, so excited to see my man shed those pounds! I hope they get a close up of his "muscles"!