Lawyer Superheroes: The Countdown Begins

"Why did you go to law school?"

We all get asked the question.

Some of us did it because we didn't know what else to do after getting a degree in psychology. Some of us did it because our parents have the coveted "J.D." after their names. Some of us did it for the money. Some of us did it out of the genuine desire to (cough, cough) "help people."

And some of us did it because we grew up watching the Law and Order franchise.

Don't be ashamed to admit it--you get misty during the big, theatrical summations in a "based on the novel by John Grisham" movie. You watch Twelve Angry Men and feel that swell of pride knowing that you are a part of the justice system--"justice system" said entirely without irony. You went to law school--you didn't get an MBA. (Oh, burn!) There's got to be part of you that's really just a Girl/Boy Scout at heart.

So in the spirit of the holiday season (that holiday being Halloween, natch), the Jackie Chiles Law Society presents to you, our reading audience, the Top Ten Lawyer Super Heroes. Each day we will present to you the fictitious, idealized men and women we should be admiring and emulating. Sometimes these guys and gals are kicking ass and taking names, and sometimes they're courageously pursuing the doomed but meritorious case. Either way, they do it with dignity and class. Because as much as we all love to smirk at the exploits of Denny Crane, Barry Zuckercorn, Lionel Hutz, et. al., sometimes it's nice to remember that pop culture features some very stand-up officers of the court -- and those ladies and gents deserve a little more play.

Popular culture and the law isn't all about Legal Dramas and Brittney Spears. There are also laws that govern popular culture.

Halloween is fast approaching us, and I've concluded a study about what rules govern appropriate celebration. This is not opinion.

Behold the Law:

1. Scrubs and scrubs alone are not an adequate costume.



Please show some respect for the rest of us. Boys, if you are going to be a doctor, wear scrubs if you'd like, but is it asking too much to throw in a lab coat, a stethoscope, or one of those old-timey head bands with the round shiny deal?



Girls, if you want to be a nurse (comfortably below the glass ceiling) please consider involving a skirt and being button cute.



Don't think you can pull off button cute? Well, don't fret. Even the sub-cute can still be a nurse for Halloween. You'll just have to be a crazy nurse.



(As a side note, "Crazy _______," "Evil ________," "Mad ________," or Deranged _______" are all good costume ideas for the more homely of face.)

2. Joke costumes can be a hit, but like any comic device, they should be used sparingly and with great caution.



Wearing a "funny costume" to a party is like committing to retelling the same joke for three hours straight. If joke costume you must, make a joke the rest of us can live with for an evening.



Be creative. Express yourself. Have fun. But don't get too carried away, especially if you are attending a party where coworkers, esteemed peers, or women you are interested in courting are present.



3. Finally, and it bothers me that I even have to mention this, make sure you give out an appropriate treat in an appropriate way.



This is an area in Halloween where creativity is NOT encouraged. Just give out candy. And, unless you're really poor, try and steer away from those five pound bags full of awful gum and fake tootsie rolls.



But just making sure you give out something kids will want to eat isn't your only responsibility. Make sure you're not too creepy when you're giving it out.

For instance, this year I plan on being Magnum P.I. for Halloween. However, I've exercised discretion enough to know that wearing my shorty-short shorts and sporting a mustache while the neighborhood children all come to my door crosses a line.



In review, show some respect for the rest of us. Be safe. Have fun.

You had me at "drill"

"Say it ain't so Joe,"
Joe Biden that is. The smack down for vice president didn't stop there. From taxes to Iraq, it was on Tuesday night. And I'm pretty sure when the dust settles, Sarah Palin and Joe Biden, will both need some time to heal from all the political upper cuts. But for those of you - like me - who spent most of the debate lamenting that your beer glass was half empty and the word "maverick" only appeared once on your bingo card, here's a link that may help you feel a little less out of place this election season:

Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election

Justice Scalia Weighs In

In a surprise move today, Justice Antonin (Nino) Scalia announced his intention to shed his judicial robes in exchange for...a regally-appointed, conservatively-styled sweat suit. You read that correctly, counsel.

"That's right, I'm going on Biggest Loser!" announced the one-time Chicago professor and current Supreme Court Justice. "And they better watch out--I'm gonna take the ass out of Justice," deadpanned the oft-controversial, always hilarious Scalia.

"Ever since the results came in on sexiest SCOTUS Justice, I just haven't been the same ol' Scalia," explained the Jurisprude. "I simply can't get it up for my awesome Scalia dissents anymore. Scalia just doesn't feel the same rush for semicolons and Federalist ideals that Scalia used to."

Hatched as just another reality show in a glut of such exploitative programs at NBC studios in the mid 2000s, The Biggest Loser has steadily grown into its own success. "Kind of Like Scalia into his ego," noted an NBC executive, who preferred to remain anonymous, but joked that his name may or may not be Alec Baldwin. "We've been approaching many of the law's largest characters for the past few years now," explained the exec "but Clarence Thomas refused out of hand. Something about his hatred for...action? And Ken Starr...well, we just didn't feel right dredging that whole Lewinsky thing up again. You really need to draw lines in reality programming. But Scalia. That dude's been on our collective radar for years, especially since his escapades in his latest book. We're fairly certain that he and Ruth Bader Ginsburg are...um...engaging in some extracurricular legal analysis, if you know what I mean."

Well, even if the thought of that coupling makes your average attorney shudder, consider this writer intrigued. While conversing with his Majesty, I wondered aloud if the Founding Fathers could have ever anticipated this kind of behavior from a Supreme Court Apointee when they drafted the Constitution. Mr. Scalia responded rather matter-of-factly "There's ample room for Reality Television in an Originalist reading of the Due Process Clause." After snorting up half my Diet Coke, I asked whether that kind of interpretation implicated a Living Constitution--something Scalia has decried since his days at Harvard Law. The Justice just laughed.


"The new Scalia is the Living Constitution, be-yotch! Watch me shed it like Jefferson read it. Grammar."

Word to you, too, Mr. Scalia. Word.

-Bob Lawblah

2008 Sexiest Supreme Court Justices

After hours of drinking, name-calling, heated debate, and crying in the committee room, Jackie Chiles Law Society has made our selections for the 2008 sexiest Supreme Court Justices.

#5. Anthony McLeod Kennedy



Kennedy said he was happy to swing into the 5-4 group of sexiest Justices. He describes himself as a flirt who likes to "frustrates some constitutional law scholars by often forgoing conventional methods of explaining my holdings and instead relying on vivid prose and unusual philosophy." Political conservatives have criticized him for regularly referring to European law, "but that's just how I roll," explains Kennedy. "Besides, the ladies love it when I get all European on those holdings."

#4. John Paul Stevens.



Some people think Gerald Ford was a do-nothing president, but teen girls are not likely to be among them. Stevens, the longest sitting Justice, was appoint by Ford in 1975.

"The bow-tie does seem to drive women wild," sheepishly admits Stevens. "And I like to give the ladies what they like in conservative moderation."

#3. Clarence Thomas



This bad boy of the court has faced some rough allegations. It wouldn't be fair for us to speculate, but let's just say if the crime is being sexy, the verdict is guilty as charged (8-1, with Scalia dissenting because "sexy" is never mentioned in the Constitution).

#2. Ruth Joan Bader Ginsberg



Don't dismiss her because of her demure appearance. "I'm bader than most people would think," says Justice Ginsberg. When pressed to explain the "what," "when," and "how" of her wild side, she would only reply, "Were I to rehearse here what I would say and how I would reason on such questions, I would act injudiciously".

#1. John Glover Roberts Jr.



It's no wonder how this boy wonder made Chief Justice so quickly. "He has a smile that won't quit for days," admitted George W. Bush. This former steel man and football captain also managed to graduate magna cum laud, which sources tell us is Latin for "too much sexy."

At 52 years young, there might be a conservative lock on the sexiest Justice for some time to come.


(Honorable Honorable Mention: David Hackett Souter, who would've beat out Kennedy if his "elfiness" was taken down a notch.)